Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
new jokes free read
Jokes
Ironic One Liners
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Pain in Eye
A Patient visits Doctor.
Patient: “Doctor, Whenever I drink tea I get pain in my eye”
Doctor: “Then you should take out the teaspoon before you drink.”
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Monday, October 21, 2013
911 Call
“911 what is your emergency?”
“…”
“Hello? 911 what is-“
“I took her.”
“Who am I speaking to? Where are you?”
“She never did fear me.”
“Sir, who are you referring to?”
“…”
“Sir?”
“It's all better… she’s peaceful now.”
“Did you assault your wife?”
“No…it was…a little girl.”
“…”
“...”
“Why?”
“…”
“Sir, stay on the phone we are sending help.”
“I didn’t ask for your help.”
“Why did you call us?”
“To let you know.”
“Let me know what?”
“She gave her life to summon me. “
“Is this some sort of sick joke?”
“She drove the knife through her heart and when the blood spread across the floor I arose from the shadows.”
“You better get ready to explain this to the cops.”
“And you know…I liked her blood.”
“I’m hanging up!”
“I wouldn’t do that Elizabeth.”
“How…who told you my name?”
“It was your daughter.”
“...you’re lying.”
“Annie is with me now.”
“Oh god! Help! You monster! Help!”
“I’ll be coming to fetch your blood soon.”
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“…”
“Hello? 911 what is-“
“I took her.”
“Who am I speaking to? Where are you?”
“She never did fear me.”
“Sir, who are you referring to?”
“…”
“Sir?”
“It's all better… she’s peaceful now.”
“Did you assault your wife?”
“No…it was…a little girl.”
“…”
“...”
“Why?”
“…”
“Sir, stay on the phone we are sending help.”
“I didn’t ask for your help.”
“Why did you call us?”
“To let you know.”
“Let me know what?”
“She gave her life to summon me. “
“Is this some sort of sick joke?”
“She drove the knife through her heart and when the blood spread across the floor I arose from the shadows.”
“You better get ready to explain this to the cops.”
“And you know…I liked her blood.”
“I’m hanging up!”
“I wouldn’t do that Elizabeth.”
“How…who told you my name?”
“It was your daughter.”
“...you’re lying.”
“Annie is with me now.”
“Oh god! Help! You monster! Help!”
“I’ll be coming to fetch your blood soon.”
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Friday, October 18, 2013
new jokes.............
JOKES 1
One day a tiger was walking through the jungle, tiger saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.
The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That’s because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.
JOKES 2
Nurse: “Doctor, the man you just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?”
Doctor: “Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!”
JOKES 3
Interviewer: Where you were born?
Candidate: Texas
Interviewer: Which part?
Candidate: The whole body
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One day a tiger was walking through the jungle, tiger saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.
The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That’s because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.
JOKES 2
Nurse: “Doctor, the man you just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?”
Doctor: “Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!”
JOKES 3
Interviewer: Where you were born?
Candidate: Texas
Interviewer: Which part?
Candidate: The whole body
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Thursday, October 17, 2013
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Monday, September 30, 2013
GEORGE AND HIS LITTLE BABY SISTER
My name is George, and I’m going to tell you a story that happened
last year just after my birthday. For a few months, I had noticed that
mum and dad were acting differently towards me – they weren’t paying me so much attention.
My parents were very happy; they laughed a lot, and even my father, who is quite serious, wouldn’t stop cracking jokes to everyone. I just couldn’t understand why they were behaving so differently. Maybe it had to do with my mum’s growing tummy…
One day at breakfast, they said to me: “George, we’ve got some good news for you; you’re going to have a little sister!”
“A little sister? So… that’s what’s wrong with you!” I said.
“What do you mean?” Dad asked.
“Well, you’ve been ignoring me because you’re going to have another baby!” I said.
Then they put their arms around me and told me they loved me just as much as ever and that even though I would have a sister, that would never change. But they changed, lots…
When Clare was born, it was like I was invisible. Mum and dad only paid me attention to scold me for not having finished my homework before dinner, or for not eating my peas. Day after day, it was like my parents had forgotten about me completely and they only had time for Clare.
One day at school in language class, the teacher came to my desk to see how I was getting on with the exercise, and told me: “Everything all right, George? You look sad…” For the first time in months, someone was worried about me, so I confided in her: “Yes, Miss, ever since my sister was born, my parents have been ignoring me.” Then Miss said: “You don’t have to be sad about that, George. Remember that Clare is just a baby and she’ll need a lot of care until she’s a little older. Don’t worry, your parents love you just the same, or even more!”
The next day, Dad was waiting for me at the school gates, but he wasn’t alone – my teacher was talking to him. I don’t know what she said to him, but from that day on, my parents started behaving towards me the same as they always had.
So I hope my story helps parents to understand that the love and attention we children need is always the same, no matter what.
THE END
My parents were very happy; they laughed a lot, and even my father, who is quite serious, wouldn’t stop cracking jokes to everyone. I just couldn’t understand why they were behaving so differently. Maybe it had to do with my mum’s growing tummy…
One day at breakfast, they said to me: “George, we’ve got some good news for you; you’re going to have a little sister!”
“A little sister? So… that’s what’s wrong with you!” I said.
“What do you mean?” Dad asked.
“Well, you’ve been ignoring me because you’re going to have another baby!” I said.
Then they put their arms around me and told me they loved me just as much as ever and that even though I would have a sister, that would never change. But they changed, lots…
When Clare was born, it was like I was invisible. Mum and dad only paid me attention to scold me for not having finished my homework before dinner, or for not eating my peas. Day after day, it was like my parents had forgotten about me completely and they only had time for Clare.
One day at school in language class, the teacher came to my desk to see how I was getting on with the exercise, and told me: “Everything all right, George? You look sad…” For the first time in months, someone was worried about me, so I confided in her: “Yes, Miss, ever since my sister was born, my parents have been ignoring me.” Then Miss said: “You don’t have to be sad about that, George. Remember that Clare is just a baby and she’ll need a lot of care until she’s a little older. Don’t worry, your parents love you just the same, or even more!”
The next day, Dad was waiting for me at the school gates, but he wasn’t alone – my teacher was talking to him. I don’t know what she said to him, but from that day on, my parents started behaving towards me the same as they always had.
So I hope my story helps parents to understand that the love and attention we children need is always the same, no matter what.
THE END
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